Life

Hello. Today was just another day. I am still physically mentally and emotionally stuck in this position. I have thoughts or hopes or suggestions about it. I can’t stop now. My mental state is going to continue to fail at an alarming rate until it reaches a new level of low. Along with it will go my physical senses too. I continue to wonder how long it’s going to take this time.

I have never been in such a transverse situation like this before. I do not know what to expect from this. Is this going to end up like a normal mental break down or will it become worse and more damaging to me.

My family is starting to raise concern about me. All I do is try and reassure to them that I am ok. Unfortunately they are not buying it. They know me. Which one of them is going to burden the responsibility of commitment this time? The last one my wife was responsible for. I have never let her forget that I will never forgive her for it. I have no idea if she will be willing to accept that responsibility again. She knows deep inside what that would do to us and our relationship.

My mother on the other hand wouldn’t care one way or another who I was pissed at for it. She has done the commitment thing many times before. She knows that I resent for it and I will also never be forgiving to her either. I have been faced with commitment by her since I was 10 or 11 years old. It faze her at all.

Why am I like this? What did I ever do to become such a non deserving person? My life will never be normal in societies eyes or my own. Why is that I am this wsy? I mean seriously, why? No one can explain that. All I have ever gotten from that question was a bunch it psycho babble that doesn’t make any sense at all.

I think I’m done venting now.

Wrecked

Hello everyone. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I do apologise for not posting last night. I was dealing with some personal issues that I am having some extreme difficulty dealing with.

First off I am going to try and explain what has been going on over the last few days. Hopefully it will give you some sort of a picture of why I am feeling so lost. Please hang in there while I try to explain. I am not completely with it at the moment.

I have honestly been a complete wreck for the last two days. I found it very difficult to cope with some financial things presently going on in my life. My family and I have been going through some major financial instability for the last few weeks. It all started with my wife’s hours getting cut at work then straight to losing the child support for my ten year old son. His father’s unemployment ran out and he decided that he would like to be picky about getting a new job. Taking 400 bucks out of our pockets and losing quite a bit off her pay check every two weeks has set us way behind on our responsibilities.

With the loss of almost half of our income came an eviction notice and a disconnection notice for our electricity and our phones. We also recently received a big cut in the amount of our food stamps (We can reapply and get those back, just takes time).

We accepted the fact that our lives we’re going to go through some big changes over the next few months or so, but I just didn’t expect it all to hit at once I guess. We managed to come up with the rent and the money for the late charges by returning all of my son’s Christmas presents, cancelling our layaway and borrowing a lot of money from a few different people in my family. My older brother actually said he didn’t want to see me anymore. That’s probably what triggered my illness the most.

My wife went to pay the office the money that we came up with because they said it was due as of yesterday. Unfortunately, the office closed a few hours early without notice because of the upcoming holiday Im guessing. Besides that they are not going to be open on Friday either. That means the earliest we could pay will be Monday because they are not open over the weekend.

Now we are stuck here in limbo wondering if the agency is going to accept the money that we have on Monday morning or not. The money orders do have yesterday’s date and time stamp on them so we can prove that we had it on time. We received a notice that we have to go to court for the eviction on Monday morning even though we had the money on time. That’s not being considered right now. Who knows what is going to happen with that now. We could still get kicked out by the sheriff department.

I’m feeling pretty anxious and annoyed with that. What if they say we have to go or pay even more be money in late charges? We can’t possibly come up with any more money. I have already lost the respect and love from my family. I was told that my brother doesn’t want to see me anymore. We had a hard time getting almost double the rent.

Her next paycheck isn’t coming until December 8th and here we go again. We are not going to have the rent money by the 4th so the late charges are going to start all over again. Some how we still need to figure out how to pay the electric bill within the next few days too. I’m not worried about the phone, I can live without that. It’s about my son and his home a sense if stability.

So now that you have a glimpse of what is going on maybe you can help me make sense of how I’m feeling. I’m so messed up in the head right now. I have almost been non stop crying since. Like that is going to help us right now. I have no idea what to do. It’s just not going to work out for us. I am scared to death of what could happen to our family. We have nowhere to go, not even to a family members house. I know a lot of my feelings are being caused by what is going on in my head, but I can’t help but feel like a giant failure. The actual thought of the many different possibilities are endless and each thought is worse than the one before it. I

I tried talking to my wife and other members of my family about it, but they don’t understand me when I get like this. I ask myself why they don’t understand and it angers me in a way that makes no sense to me at all. It’s not their fault that this is happening. I don’t know, it’s like I expect more than what is being done. To me that sounds completely selfish and unappreciative for what they have already done. I can’t help but feel things are headed into the wrong direction

I feel so alone and empty inside because of all of this. I can’t even help myself. I can’t even get out of my bed right now. Physically I am stuck right here and I can’t seem to help it nor do I want to and I don’t seem to care very much about it. I thought about checking myself into the hospital last night because I keep feeling this way. I know I am not in a safe head space right now. And that can be dangerous. I can’t do that though. I can’t just abandon my family while we are in this position even though I feel like I already failed.

The hallucinations are taking over my sense of reality and I’m being run down. I am slowly loosing control of my thoughts, actions and myself. I am physically and emotionally wrecked and I can’t fix it. What is going on inside my head is making me feel crazy. I am actually losing my mind. I don’t know anymore. Just need to wait and see what tomorrow brings I guess. Good night to all.

 

Introduction

I suppose I should start by introducing myself to the world. My name is Heather and I am 37 years old and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder quite some time ago. I am still not used to the feelings that I need to face every day it’s just hard to accept I guess. It is also very hard for my family to cope with as well. They try and show compassion and understanding but I know the truth.

Some days things seem to be okay  with my illness. Like I can’t even tell I have SAD in the first place. Then there are those days where I get so self involved with my illness that it seems to engulf my entire life and being. I don’t know what is what most of the time. I am walking on that line of reality most days. When I have days like this it seems to affect everything and everyone around me. I don’t quite understand the reasoning behind that but it does and it hurts me to know I am such a burden on them.

My family really is great when it comes to my personal issues with the world. They all have adapted fairly well to their lives shifting around according to my symptoms all the time. I understand how difficult it must be for them, but at the same time I look at how difficult it is for me. I am the one that has a shift in my reality repeatedly during every day. I am the one that had to give up everything to cater to this illness. I would often wonder why me? Why must I have this happening to me? These questions will go unanswered for the rest of my life and I need to deal with that. I’m

Over time I have learned how to effectively deal with my mania and psychosis episodes even though I still have trouble from time to time. The lapse in judgement that I show during these moments is so odd it’s almost like a dream. I usually look at the whole situation after the fact and I am utterly confused by it all. I don’t know if I have triggers or anything like that, but it seems to come and go as it pleases leaving me completely out of the loop.

The fact that I have SAD has changed my life in many different ways. I am no longer the fun, interesting and energetic young woman I had once been. I had a love for cooking and my family enjoyed that part of me. I am now a person who can hardly leave the house because I am afraid of the world and what it has to offer me. Its be scary out there. I do not like to be around people in public places where I can not control what is happening around me. People do not understand what is going on and I see that as a threat. My home is my safe place, my sanctuary I love it. I know and understand that no matter what or how I am feeling at the time nothing can touch me here. This is where I belong.

I have been on and tried some pretty heavy medications during this whole ordeal.  They try and minimize my symptoms but nothing I have taken has been completely effective anyway. I am currently not on such a harsh medication, but I do take a higher dose than most. It also doesn’t work like it should making things pretty difficult to deal with. That is probably one of the most frustrating things I need to cope with every day. I just couldn’t tolerate the heavy drugs anymore. The side effects and things were at times intolerable. It was awful to feel what I felt when I was so heavily medicated. My world no longer made sense to me or anyone else. I was gone almost to the point of no return. I was faced with a hard decision, deal with the symptoms or accept the side effects. It is obvious that I chose to live with the symptoms and I make that choice every day. That’s all for tonight. Talk to you soon. Good night.

 

 

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